Next Gen News

Imagine sitting in a meeting room trying to make sense of that lot. Imagine them collectively giving you policy advice over a tea urn and a platter of sandwiches. Andy darkly gruffing and grumping and breaking off every few minutes to check the Guardian homepage on his iPhone. Gideon wondering how many coins there are in a pound then snorting through his nose as he draws a penis murdering a tramp on his satchel. Steve idly tossing a Hacky Sack around and suggesting the next cabinet meeting should be held in a birthing pool. Talk about conflicting approaches. The cognitive dissonance would grow so loud you'd turn olive and giddy. And then you wouldn't know which one to vomit over first. (Although since you're David Cameron, the correct answer is "yourself".)

However, most of the focus so far has Hilton 's laid-back dress sense and Professor Branestawm wackiness of his ideas that are funny have been started, but they seem less tittersome more extreme. But what sticks in my throat, is the sheer stinking crapness numbed by them.

"Nudge unit". "Big Company". "Hug a Hoodie". They like the title of the disgusting business Psycho-books-sound: the type of timewasting Who Moved My Cheese? groovy CEO Bullshit routinely found confusing on the shelves of every airport bookstore in the world. Apart from being a pale substitute for real creativity - a device for producing gray business wonks error even for David Bowie in his experimental peak - these books are the direct suit and tie office-thick corresponds to that embarrassing motivational self-help tomes that prey on the uncertain and promised to turn her life before it dissolves into a pudding of "strategies" and "systems", and especially agonizing metaphors.

Be honest. We 've all read at least one of those personal empowerment classics. Or at least he was leafing through a book store. Any idiot could churn out one. In fact, let 's write one now.

We'll call it Break in Your Lifehorse. Chapter 1: imagine your hopes and dreams are a galloping stallion, wild and untamed. Chapter 2: now picture yourself throwing a glowing lasso of light around its neck. Chapter 3: the dream stallion tries to jerk away from you, but if you dig in your heels and whisper at it, it will eventually calm down. Chapter 4: while it grazes, unsuspecting – leap on and saddle up! Chapter 5: ride it through the canyons of doubt and over the horizon of fear. Congratulations! You're achieve-anating! That'll be ?10.99 thanks. Don't forget to visit our website to buy the official Lifehorse Grooming Kit containing exclusive workcharts and a guide to customising your saddle. Coming soon: Break in Your Lovehorse (relationship healage for the recently bewildered), and Break in Your Lifepony (successanising strategies for the under-12s.)

There you go. Beam an e-copy of that to Hilton's Kindle, and I guarantee there'll be a Lifehorse in every nudge unit by 2013. Unless he's imagineered his way to having us all diced up and fed to the swans by big society shock troopers as part of some Rainbownomics initiative by then. Which is inevitable. Inevitable.