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BAD TIMES FOR BOTTOM FEEDERS

Constipation can be caused by many things: illness, pregnancy, a low-fibre diet, out-of-date Purple Tin or poisoning by heavy metals (as in silicon and polonium, not Slayer and Black Sabbath, who, on the contrary, have caused many prudes to poop their pants over the years).

It can also be caused, of course, by money-knack and stubbornness. Those are certainly major factors in the lack of movement in the transfer market this summer. Many clubs are trying to discharge their waste but can't â€" Hull, for example, are finding it increasingly hard to stomach Jimmy Bullard, to whom they must continue to pay £45,000-per-week because no one else will and he doesn't fancy a wage-cut. Manchester City are likely to encounter similar problems very soon as Eastlands starts to resemble an unsuccessful furniture
shop, full of unshiftable stools.

It seems that two of the other big mooted moves will not come to pass either. Manchester City's attempt to buy James Milner appears to have foundered on a hitherto unseen rock of good sense, as the club refuses to meet Aston Villa's laughable £30m price. City and Chelsea also look like missing out on Fernando Torres, who has become so entranced by Roy Hodgson's "lovable old-fashioned vowel-mangling honourable bank robber voice" (as celebrated Fiver hack Barney Ronay memorably put it) that he can't pull himself away from it. "Fernando Torres has told us he wants to come back," spake Hodgson mesmerically as he slowly swung a pendulum from side to side and added: "He's told us he's looking forward to Monday and getting back to work and playing for us next season. That's what we know and as far as I'm concerned,
all others reports are erroneous."

So there you have it: the Fiver has just managed to write over 500 words about nothing happening. Which goes to show that we, unlike several football clubs, have no problem churning out [Snip! - Fiver Firewall Chief]

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"[Javier] Hernandez was paired with Dimitar Berbatov in the intrasquad scrimmage on Tuesday" - the MLS website reports on Manchester United's training session ahead of tonight's big ball game against the Landycakes Donovan Major League Soccerball Superstar All Stars.

£66 HAT-TRICK OF FREE BETS WITH BLUE SQUARE

Click to find out more.

FIVER LETTERS

"Has there ever been a starker illustration of football's complete detachment from reality than a £30m price tag on James Milner? Surely that makes every person in Britain who has ever kicked a football worth a few hundred thousand?" - Jason Tew.

\\ "Re: Rory Fallon waiting for divine intervention (yesterday 's Quote of the Day). Maybe a voice of the Lord' he refers to is none other than the Dark Lord himself, Alex Ferguson. He talks to me all the time "- Michael Owen (wrong).

On behalf of all Southend United supporters I would like to offer my thanks to the Lord for not crippling us with another £5,000 a week in wages" - James Cameron (not that one).

"The publishing of letters in recent weeks from deluded Australian republicans (Fiver letters passim) and apologists for celtic urban dystopias (Monday's Fiver letters) has meant the Fiver Letters has become a humour and football-free zone in recent weeks. I'd click on to George Monbiot if I wanted to read this sort of stuff. Could the Fiver ed at least keep it to football-related content?" - Davorder Griffiths.

"Can I be one of the presumably-far-less-than-1,057 pedants to point out to James McCarty (yesterday's Fiver letters) that 'full tilt' is a phrase first recorded in the 1600s, some time before the invention of pinball. In fact 'full tilt' has its origins in medieval jousting, in which mounted knights would 'tilt' at each other either cantering, with a mind to their own safety, or galloping at 'full tilt' and throwing caution to the wind" - Richard Beer (and 1,056 others).

\\ "Re: John Utaka to play in goal (yesterday 's First Team Squad days). Certainly there was some mistake, if someone in the Pompei found the action shot David Nugent to Portsmouth shirt?" Or they have someone is actually a very good Photoshop and, therefore, may be worth some money if they want to convey said botanist? "\\" - Gavin Thomson.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fivernow.

Rubbish

Bad news for Macedonian giants FK Rabotnicki - Liverpool's England contingent of Jamie Carragher, Glen Johnson, $tevie Mbe and Joe Cole will sit out the club's Big Vase qualifier tomorrow night.

Liverpool. Big Vase qualifier. Tee-hee.

'Schalke 04 striker Raul' has eclipsed 'Premier League side Blackpool' as the latest fitba-related phrase that doesn't sit quite right with the Fiver.

Sol Campbell has stopped being sullen for long enough to say "cheese" while posing with Chris Hughton and a Newcastle No5 shirt.

Fiorentina mouthpiece Pantaleo Corvino claims the Serie A side has rejected a €30m bid from Mancunian Premier League side Buy Effin Everyone FC for extravagantly bouffanted Montenegran goal-getter Stevan Jovetic.

MEEP MEEP! Real Madrid intends th to an oral agreement with Werder Bremen, which will see Mesut Oezil join the Spanish side at the start of next season.

... as assistant to Avram Grant ALMOST apologetic Sky Sports NEWS West Ham appoint Zeljko P. ...

Football writers in Argentina will have to suck on something else now that Argentinian FA blazers have decided not to renew Diego Maradona's contract.

And 'Arry Redknapp has caused no end of Roman Pavlyuchenko jokes after his proposal to find a safe haven for ill-treatment of Russian Ass made front page news in today's Sun.

STILL want to know more?

Who put those in what now? Knowledge has the answer.

How much do you know about footballers and their holidays? Find out in today's quiz.

And we can't remember what this links to But further, click on it anyway.

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