Next Gen News

Do forgive me. I know we're supposed to be so thrilled at how "normal" the pair are, as though it were the most sane thing in the world to fork out gazillions of pounds in taxes to keeps girls-and-boys-next-door in palaces, as opposed to people whose USP is behaving as though they were distinctly "other". I'm afraid Lost in Showbiz could not agree more with the splendid Simon Callow, who failed to be inspired by the couple's wedding-day deportment. "It was such an epic event," the actor told an interviewer, "yet they looked as if they were in their own front room. I saw them lolling around a bit on their seats and making little jokes and all the rest of it. If these events are to be held and the taxpayers pay a great deal of money for them . . . it would be kind of nice if the participants seemed to have some sense of grandeur."

Thereafter, there's some showbiz dinner, for which even Hollywood power players are said to be desperate to get an invitation. So do expect to read future Vinnie Jones interviews in which he explains how he's too dangerous to have got the nod, when he'd clearly have crushed the rapidly shrivelling balls of his straight-to-DVD career to be there.